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Organized Chaos

this is me.

Quiet time

Recently, as in last month I told myself not to ask God for anything, a month of thanks I would call it. I would just pray silently to myself and thank God for everything I could think of at the moment. I failed at it, well I thought I did. I am only at this very second realizing that I learned something. I learned that it’s okay to talk to God, to ask for things and then change your mind, to have quiet time. It’s okay to have moments when you are thinking about nothing at all. It’s ok to let go. It’s okay to just be thankful. 

I realized in those quiet moments that I spend a lot of time afraid because I’m unsure of what the future holds. I’ve spent a lot of my 23 years being afraid. The last four years more than anything I’ve learned that I needed God. Things were happening and I had no choice but to turn to him, no one could help me but him and myself. No one could change what was happening around me or to me but he and I. So even now I’m wondering why I stray away from him. The only answer I could come up with is it’s part of being human. He made us so that we can choose. He made us so that we would have free will to either choose him or choose whatever we were choosing over him. He made us so that we could make mistakes, learn from them and teach our children so that they might pass it on to our grandchildren.

I realized in my quiet moments with God that I know very little about him. One thing I do know is that when you pray and and ask him for something or when he promises you something he will show up and show out. He may not show up in the way you thought he would but he is a God of his word. You may ask him to remove anything that’s not for you from your life and his response being the amazing father he is, will be to force you to let go of whatever you’re holding on to that you know you have no business clinging to. He will change circumstances, make people show their true colors,  basically he will open your eyes. Sometimes being the simple humans we are we ask questions. MOST of the time we have questions and he will slap you with the answer.

I’m now realizing that living in fear of the unknown is pointless because there’s no way to ever know until it’s happening and that’s no way to spend your life. We have no control over anything besides how we react to our circumstances and half the time we can barely control that. Life is unpredictable, but through a lot of prayer and no other choice but to live the life we were given in the circumstances we’ve been handed it’s doable. It’s precious and crazy, scary but beautiful. And I pray that God continues to carry me through it, to carry us all through it.

-E

Small world (from a year ago)

The world is such a small place, I’m drowning in the unknown of it all. All I want to do is travel, love and be happy. But somehow that always evades me. I choose the wrong people to give my heart to. I choose the wrong people to care for & to spend my precious time on. All they ever do is rip my sense of self worth and huge heart to shreds and try to give it back with “I’m sorry” patched over the holes. Apologies don’t work for me anymore they honestly never did. The only reason I accepted them was because in my mind things always had the potential to get better…. They never did….
The world is such a small place… Because I push away the people who deserve to be close to me. For some reason I can’t tell the difference anymore. Can’t tell the good from the bad. Everyone is the same to me now. Maybe that’s how it should be.. Why should I trust anyone but myself with my wellbeing or heart.
The world is such a small place. My world is such a small place. I like my world this way. I like my space.

Fixing Me

Somewhere along the way I started to fall apart.

Leaving little pieces of me behind here and there, like they do in movies to find their way back home.

I had no idea that the darkness was behind me the entire time devouring those pieces.

Consuming every part of me that it could.

I lost my way back to me.

How will I find me if I don’t even know where I left me?

I’ll simply run after the sunlight so the darkness can never touch me, chasing a new me… A better me..

Many days

Many days I’ve sat trying to fill that empty void that was ripped in my chest by the loss of stability, I depended on someone else to give me.

Many days I’ve sat waiting for someone… For you.. To come love me again because I lacked the most important thing a woman could have for herself, which is self love.

Many days I lay in bed weeping. Laying on a pillow drenched in tears, trying to come up with scenarios to fix both your flaws and mine. Like if I could just make it all better in my head we would work out.

Somehow trying to convince myself that all the bad shit never existed… As if me saying you’ve changed over and over again in my head made the “changes” you “made” come to life.

When really all you did was suck the life..

Out of me and everything you touched around me

Like a leach who has latched on to its unexpected victim. Feeling the pain but not yet quite enough pain to investigate the cause.

Don’t you get tired of being a little energy vampire?Sucking up as much love as you can but only giving back damage in return.

I’m looking forward to the many days where you never cross my mind. It was my fault to let you in again. My bad. I get it now. You were never any good for me.

And that realization doesn’t hurt me. It only helps me to see what not to do and put up with the next time around. The warning signs of a bad lover.

So thank you.. Looking forward to many days without you.

Precious Moments

Laying face to face with my one year old son, breathing in his air as he lays his hand on my face.

This is his favorite place, next to me. Feeling my warmth, he knows I’m his safe haven. Not a care in the world, he is down for the count, and mommy is drained!

In the morning he will sit up, look at me and lay on my face as usual. I’ll so reluctantly get up, feeling like I could have used another hour of sleep. He will smile as if he understands my pain. But still yell in my face wanting me to play with him and get him breakfast.

I’m his safe haven. I’m his home, and he is mine.

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