Recently, as in last month I told myself not to ask God for anything, a month of thanks I would call it. I would just pray silently to myself and thank God for everything I could think of at the moment. I failed at it, well I thought I did. I am only at this very second realizing that I learned something. I learned that it’s okay to talk to God, to ask for things and then change your mind, to have quiet time. It’s okay to have moments when you are thinking about nothing at all. It’s ok to let go. It’s okay to just be thankful.
I realized in those quiet moments that I spend a lot of time afraid because I’m unsure of what the future holds. I’ve spent a lot of my 23 years being afraid. The last four years more than anything I’ve learned that I needed God. Things were happening and I had no choice but to turn to him, no one could help me but him and myself. No one could change what was happening around me or to me but he and I. So even now I’m wondering why I stray away from him. The only answer I could come up with is it’s part of being human. He made us so that we can choose. He made us so that we would have free will to either choose him or choose whatever we were choosing over him. He made us so that we could make mistakes, learn from them and teach our children so that they might pass it on to our grandchildren.
I realized in my quiet moments with God that I know very little about him. One thing I do know is that when you pray and and ask him for something or when he promises you something he will show up and show out. He may not show up in the way you thought he would but he is a God of his word. You may ask him to remove anything that’s not for you from your life and his response being the amazing father he is, will be to force you to let go of whatever you’re holding on to that you know you have no business clinging to. He will change circumstances, make people show their true colors, basically he will open your eyes. Sometimes being the simple humans we are we ask questions. MOST of the time we have questions and he will slap you with the answer.
I’m now realizing that living in fear of the unknown is pointless because there’s no way to ever know until it’s happening and that’s no way to spend your life. We have no control over anything besides how we react to our circumstances and half the time we can barely control that. Life is unpredictable, but through a lot of prayer and no other choice but to live the life we were given in the circumstances we’ve been handed it’s doable. It’s precious and crazy, scary but beautiful. And I pray that God continues to carry me through it, to carry us all through it.